When grief meets work and how it changes our identity

Grieving

Grieving the loss of someone significant is an altering experience that connects the majority of us. O’Connor (2002) differentiates grief as the initial overwhelming feeling that is temporary and grieving as the ongoing experience. The fact of the matter is that grieving is open ended, it doesn’t stop per se; instead, it chops and changes with the waves of life. Those of us that have worked our way through this share a collective understanding of what this means: the heaviness and the gravity of change that will continue to stretch into our futures.

Tomorrow marks my dad’s birthday and a few days later the 7^th year since his passing. As I write this, I find it difficult to comprehend that it has been 7 years. Time flies...when you’re grieving? Wait, that’s not how the saying goes! The world keeps spinning, and your life continues to move forwards. At the time, I was working full time for a charity, in a job that I enjoyed, surrounded by caring and brilliant people— in that respect, I was content.

The thing about grieving is that until you’ve experienced it, you’ll not know how utterly disruptive, dismantling and formative loss of this sort can be. In my experience, it has been one of the single most significant moments of my life. And so, whilst the world requires us to keep living and working as usual— a quiet hum lies beneath the surface, setting the foundations for change.

Identity

The impact of grief on work measures like leave and productivity is perhaps an easier, more tangible topic to discuss— but the real human stuff underneath is where the magic and understanding sits.

Modern approaches have moved away from traditional step models such as Kubler-Ross, a well-known and still beloved resource to many. Instead, evidence has pointed towards models that provide further flexibility in how people experience and understand the grieving journey. The dual-process model (Stroebe & Schut, 2010) highlights a natural oscillation between what they name loss-oriented coping and restoration-oriented coping. Loss oriented focuses on the grief e.g., looking through photos. Restoration-oriented moves toward adaptation. The part which resonates here personally and professionally is the idea of an emerging identity.

The concept is further rallied by Neimeyer’s Meaning Reconstruction Model (2001) highlighting how loss can prompt introspection. We often express our identity in relation to our social context (Tajfel & Turner) e.g., I am a colleague/friend/partner. Times of loss prompt the big question of ‘who am I now?’

On work

In my case, although content in my role, these reflections led me to question my identity and values in relation to my work, at a depth I’d never gone to before. One day, I decided with absolute conviction that I was going to take my career in a different direction. Deciding that my skills and knowledge could support people to work, live and lead well in the face of difficult and complex times— I applied for a Masters in Occupational Psychology and a couple months later I was on campus. A side note: in hindsight, I would not recommend full-time work and full-time study— doable but not ideal. Past Dani should have listened to her supervisor (sorry, Paul!). I’m proud to say I have since put these learnings into action.

Across the 7 years, I’ve spoken to many people who seem to resonate with change after a big life event like bereavement. The evolution of our identity after loss continues to take shape through this deep work and reflection— which takes time and energy. It’s worth noting that distraction has previously been seen as a negative approach (akin to avoidance), however activities that temporarily distract us e.g., hobbies/work may be helpful in providing the necessary respite from grieving and all that comes with it.

Edward Hirsch wrote “I did not know the work of mourning” (2014, as cited in Stroebe, 2018, p. 11).

Years after my experience of loss, I have continued to bring the topic of bereavement and identity at the intersection of work into coaching sessions (as a coachee). Whilst of course, coaching is not a clinical intervention, it has been a safe space to explore this with boundaries (I caveat this with the right coach), helping me to gain further clarity and insights around my emerging identity, values and behaviours. Having trained as a Coach & Occupational Psychologist since, I am confident the field can add further value to organisations and people navigating grief and work.

If anything is taken from this read, I hope it offers insight and solidarity into what so many of us navigate quietly, beneath the surface of our working lives.

Your Work Psychologist,

Dani

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References

Neimeyer, R. A. (Ed.). (2001). Meaning reconstruction & the experience of loss. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10397-000

O'Connor, M.-F. (2022). The grieving brain: The surprising science of how we learn from love and loss. HarperOne. 

Stroebe M. (2018). The Poetry of Grief: Beyond Scientific Portrayal. Omega, 78(1), 67–96. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222818792706

Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. (1979). An integrative theory of inter-group conffict. In J. A. Williams & S. Worchel (Eds.), The social psychology of inter-group relations (pp. 33-47). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.